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Slow Pitch/Transcript
Lacey Burrows: Strike, I guess. Brent Leroy: I call that one Slow Train To China. Lacey: Oh. You're serious? Brent: Very. Okay, see if you can guess what this one's called. Lacey: Is it called Blue Sky? 'Cause that's all I'm seein'. Brent: That one's called Hammer of Thor. Okay, buckle up, 'cause everybody's afraid of this one. Here comes Fried Green Tornado. No mercy. Lacey: Brent! All your pitches are just big giant arcs. You should name them Rainbow or Pregnant Lady's Belly. Brent: Don't mock me before a game. You kneecap my confidence. Lacey: Well it just seems crazy to name your pitches when they're all the same. Brent: Who are you to judge what's crazy? Don't listen to her. She's crazy. Brent: Ooh, I'll have one of those. Lacey: No, you won't. Brent: Ow! Sor-ry. You know, some restaurants prepare food for customers. It's my mistake. Hank Yarbo: Yeah, they're not for us. She's a good slapper. Lacey: They're for the Harvesters Club. Brent: Oh, they meetin' here tonight? You're still gonna play slow-pitch, though, right? Hank: Yeah, we need 10 players. Lacey: That's nice to know I'm wanted for my talents. Hank: You're talented at attending. Brent: Yeah, it's a gift. Your attendance is flawless. Lacey: You're right. I do have perfect attendance, don't I? Hank: It's something we all admire about ya. Wherever you are, you're always there. Lacey: Wow, I don't know if that's deep or shallow. Brent: It's shallow. Lacey: Well don't worry, I'll be at the game tonight. I wouldn't miss your girly pitches for the world. Brent: If by girly you mean terrifying. Hank: They are a little girly. Davis Quinton: Look alive, Rookie! Karen Pelly: What if someone sees us? We should be working right now. Davis: It's Tuesday afternoon in Dog River. Nothin's gonna happen. Davis (voice mail): You've reached the Dog River Police Emergency Line. Leave a message. Brent (phone): Hey, I hope you guys are practicing for slow-pitch. The whole team's counting on ya. Davis: Lock and load! Brent: I don't Dad, I just don't think we need a third base coach. Oscar Leroy: The hell you don't. Without me, you'll have base runners going off in every which direction. Wanda Dollard: They kinda go in numerical order, Oscar, you know, first, second et cetera. Third. Oscar: I gotcha. Emma: Oh, let him coach, Brent. It could be worse. He could want to play. Brent: Oh, geez, you're right. Congratulations, Dad. You're our third base coach. Oscar: Ha-haah! Lacey: Wow, genuine cowhide, impressive. Hank: I don't know why they have to say genuine, like we don't trust them or somethin'. Lacey: Well, maybe they mean genuine as in sincere. Hank: Well, like the cow was sincere? Lacey: Maybe. Hank: Oh. Lacey: This is stiff. You should break it in before you use it. Hank: The price I paid for it? It should already be broken in. Lacey: Well, how much did it cost? Hank: Well I, I got it for Christmas. Oscar: As third base coach, my first order of business is to go to the Liquor store for supplies. Brent: Yeah Wanda, are you sure you don't want anything? Wanda: No. I'm going to try playing beer free, focus the mind, sharpen the reflexes, faster, stronger! Brent: We can rebuild him. Emma: Wanda, this is a beer league. Oscar: Yeah. Our team's called the Guzzlers. Wanda: All good points. But I'm gonna try the sober thing. Brent: Remember, you guys, we gotta be discreet with the beer thing. All right? It's technically illegal to drink in public. We don't want to put Karen and Davis into an awkward position. Karen: Do you think the team will fake not drinking again this year? Davis: They're just trying to be good citizens. Besides, they work so hard at trying to hide it, if we tell them we knew, it would put them in an awkward position. Karen: I wish they wouldn't bother. Davis: Fire in the hole! Emma: You dented my soup. Hank: It's not the glove. Wanda: Why are you batting Emma sixth? She's got arms like Lou Ferrigno. She should bat cleanup. Brent: It's the element of surprise. See, Wes doesn't know Mom was a fastball champ. He'll be thinking, "Oh, feeble old woman up to bat" and then blammo! Emma: Old woman? Brent: Wes thought it, not me. Emma: Well, I must admit, I'm looking forward to this slow pitch. It'll be like slapping apples outta trees. Hank: It's up. It's goin' back, back! Emma: Stop playing with my cans. What? Oscar: That Wes is nuts! He's all stoked up for some reason. Emma: You riled him up, didn't ya? Oscar: I did not. I was mindin' my own business and he starts ranting and raving. He called us nimrods, said his team was gonna mop the floor with us. Oscar: Our team is gonna mop the floor with your team, ya nimrod! Oscar: Or some such. Anyway, loser buys beer after the game. Brent: That's right, Wes is nuts. This coming from a guy who once punched a skunk. Oscar: He had it comin'. Brent: Come on Hank. Let's go talk to Wes. Wes Humboldt: Apology accepted. Brent: I'm not apologizing. I'm just sayin' my Dad's a lunatic. It's not my fault. Hank: I think what Brent's trying to say here, Wes, is we came here for a good time, even though you called us a buncha nimrods. Wes: I didn't call you... Paul: Earlier he called you a buncha useless ragtags... Hank: Just stay outta this, Paul. You just want us to bet so we buy more beer at your place. Paul: Well, du-uh! Hank: Ragtag? I don't think I like the sound of that. Brent: Sticks and stones, Hank. They're just words. Paul: He also called you mambie pambies. Brent: Oh, someone wants their teeth kicked in. Hank: Yeah, callin' us raggie taggie when they're a buncha low life has-been... Brent: Candy asses. Hank: Nice one, asses made of candy. Brent: You know what? Why don't we make this a manly bet? Loser buys beer and nachos. Come on, Hank. Hank: Can you believe that guy? Brent: Dad was right. He's a lunatic. Oscar: When I touch my hat three times, that means leave the first pitch. If I touch my hat once, that just means I've touched my hat. Lacey: Okay. And now what if you touch your hat twice? Oscar: Why would I touch my hat twice? Lacey: Do you understand any of these signals? Emma: I barely understand him when he speaks. Oscar: I rub my left elbow, bunt. I rub my right elbow, bursitis. Bunt, bursitis. Bursitis, bunt. Lacey: Clear as a bell. Brent: Heads up, Hank! Wanda: That glove is like a frying pan. Hank: It's not the glove. Don't blame the glove. It's me. My hamstrings are lose. Wanda: Some screws are loose too. Brent: Oh, speakin' of screws. Hank: That doesn't make any sense, speaking of screws. If you said speaking of loose screws... Wanda: Or speaking of screwballs. Brent: Where the heck is our team? Hank: Or speaking of screwy. Wanda: That's plenty. Karen: We got a call about some vandalism. Helen Jensen: That's right. Karen: Mind if I look around? Davis: You or your husband have any enemies, Ma'am? Your marriage is good? Any gambling debts? Karen: Uh, Davis. Davis: Uh-oh. Helen: Some darn kids just broke my window. Hooligans! Kids today have no respect for other people's property. Davis: I'm sure they were good kids. They were probably just afraid. Karen: Yeah. And, uh, embarrassed. Helen: Yeah, but what about my window? Davis: You should pay your gambling debts, Ma'am. Chair: The next item of business, new rules for the Crazy Eights tournament. Lacey: Some agenda. Do they have to vote on every little thing? Oscar: What do ya got against Crazy Eights? Lacey: What do ya got against the old rules? Oscar: The Harvesters Club is the nerve centre of the community. Every vote is sacred. Lacey: Ah, the slow-pitch game starts in half an hour. Oscar: Half an hour? Geez, I gotta go. Cecil, vote for me, will ya? Brian (Harvester 1): Who the hell is Cecil? My name is Brian. Hank: My fault. Wanda: Your fault for wearing that stupid glove. Brent: Oh, finish the story. Did you figure out who broke the window? Davis: Gamblers. She had a lot of enemies, probably brought it on herself. Karen: Or maybe it was some kids. Hank: You know, kids these days, they got no respect. When I was a kid I didn't go around smashing other people's things. Wanda: Yes, you did! You had a little hammer and you wore a little mask and you called yourself the Masked Smasher. Hank: If I had a mask on, how'd you know it was me. Huh? Karen: They're just kids, mixed up, misunderstood youth. Davis: Yeah. Probably one of them's a good hitter. Karen: Or he just got lucky. Davis: No, I think he's a good hitter. Hank: Hey, where's Lacey? Shouldn't she be, uh, attending by now? Karen: She does have perfect attendance. Chair: Okay, we're officially at the halfway mark of the meeting. Next item on the agenda, new pushpins for the bulletin board. All in favour? Lacey: I am starting to question democracy. Brent: Don't worry, she'll be here. Hank: She better be. We need 10 players or we forfeit. Brent: Yeah, well, I'm not worried. Now, if you will excuse me, I have to make an unrelated phone call. Hank: Who wants one? Wanda? Wanda: No, not for me. I'm not drinking. Not that those drinks are alcoholic. Karen: Here we go. Hank: Of course not. I mean, uh, who would like a cool, refreshing non-alcoholic beverage? Wanda: I just meant that I'm not drinking anything, not water, not juice, just bloating. Karen: You know, you guys really don't have to... Davis: Share your non-alcoholic beverages with us. I can't believe you'd be that inconsiderate. Don't make this any more awkward than it has to be. Lacey (phone): Now they're voting on who's gonna run the Butter Festival. Then they're going to vote on whether or not to have a Butter Festival. Brent (phone): Mmhmm. How'd the pushpin thing turn out? Lacey (phone): Two definite camps on that one. Brent (phone): Look, ya gotta hustle them. We need you. Lacey (phone): You just need me as a token member. Brent (phone): Think of your attendance. I gotta go. Lacey: No one messes with my perfect attendance. Brent: Okay, listen up. Listen up, everybody. Uh, okay. It looks like Lacey may not make it for the start of the game. Emma: Oh, great! If Wes finds out, we forfeit. Wanda: Well, he's gonna figure it out sooner or later. I mean, I'm pretty sure Wes can count to 10. I mean, I've never seen him do it, but I'm... Davis: We gotta keep him distracted till she gets here, maybe use some misdirection. Oscar: Good idea. Wes! Look out! A bear! Wanda: Not now! Wait till he starts getting suspicious. Davis: Well, I'm pretty sure he's suspicious now. Hank: Oh, great! I can already taste Wes eatin' those nachos. Brent: Okay, let's ignore Hank's disturbing image. I have a plan. I'm gonna pitch easy, let them get some hits, let them get on base. Karen: When don't you let them get on base? Brent: The longer they stay up at bat, the more time Lacey has to get here. Wanda: Ah, great. The first game I stay sober and I gotta play lousy. Karen: Right, sober. Lacey: Okay, I think we've covered items 18 through 20. Yes, we will continue to have the Valentine's Day dance on or around Valentine's Day. No to three-ply toilet paper for the men's room. And Travis, here, has volunteered to trap the racoon under the Senior Centre. Moving on. Brian: She scares me. Pete Stevens (Harvester 2): I would have left hours ago if these squares weren't so good. Brent: Well, it's a delicate balance, but our trick seems to be working. It will take a pretty clever customer to... Player 1: Hey! They only have nine players. Brent: Ah crap! Hey, Wes, a, a bear, a big bear! What? Oscar: Jackass! Brent: You don't actually need 10 players. I mean that's just like a guideline. You show me where, in the rule book, it says you need 10 players. Karen: Actually, it's rule #1. "Each team must have 10 players." Brent: Nice helping, Karen. Hank: Come on Wes! You can't punish us because we're better with 9 players than you are with 10. Wes: Rules are rules. Karen: He's right. Rules are rules. Brent: Seriously, enough helping. Hank: Hey, it says a player only has to bat five times to be considered present for the game. Brent: So if Lacey gets here before the fifth inning... Hank: We can pull this off. Nice work, Karen! Karen: Glad I could help. Brent: I said nice helping. Wes: OK, fine. Let's see how fast we can get to the fifth inning. Swing at every pitch! Brent: Drop every ball they hit. Lacey: So, the hazing of new members will consist of snapping suspenders, or in the case of no suspenders, stealing their hat. Last item on the agenda, an open discussion on the weather and crops? Nice try. Uh-uh. Meeting adjourned. Anyone who's outta here in a minute gets free coffee tomorrow. Did I say coffee? I meant pie. Did I say pie? I meant oh, get outta my restaurant! Scoot! Umpire: Stee-rike three! Brent: All right, you're up, Wanda. Give us a hit. Wanda: I'm on it. Umpire: Strike three! Wanda: I'm off it. Brent: Okay, this is it, Maw. Get us a hit! What's the matter? You can't understand the signals from third base? Emma: Yes, Dear. Wanda: I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm way ahead of the ball, I'm jumping too soon. Umpire: Strike one! Brent: You know what I think? I think you're too edgy. Wanda: Oh, yeah? Well, what do you know? Umpire: Strike two! Brent: I'm serious. You gotta relax. Go get yourself a beer. This is no time to mess with medical science. Wanda: Yeah, well, I guess a, a low dosage wouldn't kill me. Umpire: Stee-rike three! Strike three? Player 1: Why would he put a feeble old woman up to bat? It's just mean. Umpire: You were safe. Wes: I was out. Karen: You were safe by a mile you cheater! Wes: I was out. Emma: Karen took her foot off the bag. Brent: You beat the throw by 10 feet. You're like a gazelle. Lacey: Interesting strategy. Oscar: It's about time you showed up. I don't know how you could waste the whole day away with those stupid old men. Brent: Hey, no need to argue. You are out. Wes: Damn right I'm out. Brent: Oh, look, Wes. It's Lacey. Wes: Aw, crap! Lacey: Should I, should I just hit it, then? Brent: Hey, hey, hey, good work! Wanda: Atta girl! Lacey: That was easy! Emma: Yeah, real easy. Davis: See, Karen, I told ya the kid was a good hitter. Hank: Does anyone want a harmless, non-alcoholic beverage? Lacey: Do we really have to hide this? Karen and Davis know. They don't care. Karen: Go Wanda! Davis: Here we go! Hank: Yeah, I, I know. But they work so hard to pretend that they don't know, that if we told them we knew that they knew, then it would just put them in an awkward position. Lacey: Oh. Hank: Hey, where did all the refreshments go? Lacey: Maybe you should ask Wanda. She looks pretty refreshed. Wanda: Oh, yeah! Okay! All right, let's play some ball! Come on, Muscles, send Mommy some sugar! Emma: You know we're trying again, right? Davis: Come on, right back in there. Let's go, let's go, here we go. Umpire: Stee-rike three! Brent: Okay, we're one out away from free beer and nachos, so stay sharp. Somebody get Wanda a coffee. Wanda: Shut up! Get yourself a coffee! Lacey: Brent! Surprise them with one of your Fried Green Tomatoes! Brent: It's Tornado. Lacey: Oh. Brent: Time to unleash hell. Hank: I got it, I got it! Got it, got it, got it! Oscar: Hank's glove caught the ball! Brent: Hank's glove caught it! Hank: What are you doing? It's not the glove! Don't praise the glove! I did it! The glove sucks! Brent: To victory. Lacey: To perfect attendance. Wanda: To the internal combustion engine, baby! Lacey: To Hank's glove. Hank: Would you stop praising the glove. Karen: To beer you don't have to pretend is ice tea. Davis: Way to put everyone in an awkward position, Karen. Oscar: We won already. Emma: Just throw the ball. Hah! Finally! Oscar: 500 pitches later she tags one. Can we go now? Helen: Damn kids! Category:Transcripts